What have I got to lose, if I start back at Square One? My image as a leader and spiritual teacher. No one was beating down my doors anyway. I have always identified as a lifelong learner. So what if don’t remember my spiritual principles and how they apply to me. I’m stuck between the old me who knew too much and the new me who is dimly aware that life could be much better and doesn’t know quite what to do first.
I feel as if I’m caught between two worlds, the healthy, well me and the person who needs to relearn everything I know. But I have hope. It is a new day. I believe that I can be made new again. The morning sunlight is shining on my keyboard as I write. The Beatles are singing And I Love Her on my Internet college radio station from UC Santa Cruz. This morning I have returned to a state of innocence in music, in hope, and in gratitude for life.
Last night I did my first exercise in Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life. I pretended that I was teaching and learning it. There is something strange about a brain injury. I often feel like I am split in two between the innocence of childhood and the viewpoint of a wise elder. The child in me wants to be free and somehow knows that it’s still not yet safe.
The older person feels like I could know everything if only I was thinking more clearly. I want to be happy. I want to grow up safe and free. I want to be a leader again. I want to be a spiritual teacher again and help people who are struck like the unhealed child in me.
Do you ever feel caught between worlds? So hopeful like a child and a teacher who teaches too fast? If so why not integrate the two. Be gentle with the child in you and tell the teacher to be patient and let you learn at your own pace and in your own time.