I love the space where I am now. I love what I know, what I am learning and definitely where I am going. I have done a lot of forgiveness work to be able to be in this space. I have learned to forgive the person that kidnapped and killed my father when I was 15-years-old (NOT EASY). I have learned to forgive myself. But the truth is that there is nothing harder that to authentically learn to forgive one’s self. But it doesn’t make it easier to sometimes still wish that I was able to be in this space without the pain of knowing that I have caused tears to the people that I love the most, my two boys and my mother, but more than anything my two boys.
They are now adults and each has a son of their own. I love the relationship that I now have with them. But the truth is that regardless of all the work and the great relationships that we all have now, my heart still aches when I get a glimpse of their tears from the past.
I was with my youngest one last night and his beautiful wife, enjoying my gorgeous few- weeks-old grandson, and it took me back to 25 years ago, when I was holding him in my arms, telling him how much I loved him.
Unfortunately for me, being a drug user (speed) for 8 years, it took me to my lowest part of my life, to the point that nothing was more important that when I was going to get the next fix. As you can imagine, my kids paid the consequences as much as I did. But gratefully I have been clean for 11 years. I was able to change my life around to the point that I can say “I love my life.”
Martha Bass, Contributing Author